I've been through so much, the extent of which you'll never know, but works conveniently for you because you never would have cared enough to know anyway.

If being in a car accident and the possibility of losing my life doesnt warrant a shred of civility from you, i know that nothing will change that. It just makes me wonder what could have been so bad that you would behave in such a horrible way to me, honestly dropping me off the face of the earth. There's been an accident, and you haven't an ounce of recognition for the girl you once knew. You ignored it all. You chose to be "indifferent". A service that in your own words is reserved only for those you hate. For you see you said, indifference is the best revenge.


But why inflict that vengefulness on me? I truly cared about you. But regardless...


Its as if you honestly have some sick sadist urge to play with my heart and see me hurt. And the only reason why it works is because i still care about you. I hate that you just couldnt be fucking consistent. You love me, you hate me, you dont know me, you love me. Its so horrible because every fiber of my being that wants to keep me safe is disgusted by the fact that i ever knew you, let alone cared about you...and i fucking want to kill myself thinking that i still care about someone like you and i actually have to WORK to erase you from my memory.
Its strange that a deed so horrible that if convicted, could land someone in prison for life, actually hurt me less than how much you hurt me. You've no idea the extent of the pain you caused, all of which was so unnecessary. I honestly dont know why you couldnt either just be decent to some common degree, or at least consistent with the fucked up one you made yourself out to be.
You've no idea what it's like...to be choked back into the corner of a couch...one hand threateningly squeezing off your breath, making you wonder if the breath you took 5 seconds ago will ultimately be your last. Your screams, lost somewhere between strong, sweaty fingers, painfully squeezing your face away from the real world leak back into your frightened soul, lost and unheard. To feel your tears dribble into your hair, your used breath recycling back into your lungs while youre screams try to escape the deathly clutch of his hand...knowing you may be using the last breath you took in vain. To be completely and utterly terrified... to be completely and utterly violated and dehumanized.And to have that utterly dehumanizing, terrifying, and humiliating experience only bring shockingly familiar emotions of feeling like nothing but flesh....ideas subconsciously instilled by none other than the so called.."love of my life"....


you.

i'm going to therapy now. i'm supposed to have a male therapist, because i've " never had a positive male role model in my life" and i need "positive reinforcement" to "repair my damaged subconscious and biased perspective concerning relationships and sexual intimacy with males".
He told me i could be offered hynotherapy to help along the process of " letting go of all recollection of painful intimacy including you and the rape".

He looked at me with those "i'm so sorry" eyes. I asked him how long it would take to "recover"... he said " its a process". Which is a vague answer for " i dont really know...people never really FULLY recover but i'll help you try to get close". And i hate it.

But i'm working on it. And! he taught me. Its not your fault. So i cant be mad at you. I have to be mad at myself because i learned that i didnt love myself enough to stop being with you. I didnt love myself enough to walk away. But then he taught me to forgive myself and not do it again. A lot of this therapy seems very mumbojumbo-ish to me, but if it'll help me, i wont close the door on it. And he taught me not to blame myself for getting raped, and that i'm not just flesh. But thats a harder thing to work on. I felt so ...disgusted by the world in general, i wanted to kill myself. I was in such emotional torment...i almost did. Peter and others that i now know are really my friends practically saved my life.

But again...i cant hate you...its not your fault. And it shouldnt matter, he said. Because you really honestly arent important enough for me to be hurt over this long when you've obviously dropped me off of your life and are now blissfully ignorant and washed of any concern of me.

So dont worry about me. Really. Hah..thats sarcasm. because...

I doubt you'll even ever check this page, so it doesnt really matter.
I suppose i feel better...but not quite.

If i had one wish in the world, it would be to have never met you, and that i truly mean from the bottom of my heart. Its been nothing but misery with you.


  posted by Laura @ 12:25 PM

 
It's true, the cliche... when you come face to face with death, your life truly flashes before your eyes. In a hauntingly timeless moment - when the sound of your singular heartbeat becomes the soundtrack to your life flashing by - you see those you've cared about the most in your life.

It's truly a sad contemplation then, that in that enchanting time your mind sensory overloads with the faces of those you love, that the most striking face in the montage, one that could only be there because you care and still care, is one that belongs to someone no longer in your life.

and for what cause? why must we always disappear from eachother this way?

what if, in that moment, i had disappeared....from life? would you ever know it?

or worse yet...would you even care..?



Its funny, the pain of being slammed into the front of my car pales in comparison to the pain of losing someone i care about.

I truly care about you, but i've lost you, repeatedly....

and again, for what cause?



life-altering moments have sneaky ways of trivializing things....and i cant help but think that everything in our relationship was so trivial...everything except the fact that underneath it all, we were two people who genuinely cared for eachother.

or at least, to say the least, i cared for you...

Beyond the tears and lies, beyond the history, beyond all the criticism, beyond all the resentment, beyond all the hurt we inflicted on one another.... what was it?

and for whatever it may have been, how does that explain us....strangers, now?


It's meaningless and futile to move on and be "happy" with countless others when you still care about someone else, and that chapter in your life is never closed.


Things shouldnt have to be this way. I think we've both grown, and both learned.


life is just too short.


"And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world"






  posted by Laura @ 12:51 AM